Chicago and Surrounding Cities Plagued with Stomach Virus Outbreak.

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Plainfield, IL.


In recent weeks, there has been an outbreak of gastroenteritis (Stomach Flu) in the form of a new, unbeatable strand. Although many in the city of Chicago and its suburbs are infected, scientist were able to trace back to the source responsible for this unwarranted plague.

A source in the CDC-Chicago has informed me that the virus originated from a household in the Plainfield area, primarily in one specific cul-de-sac. All households gave a statement openly and denied being the virus's origin, except one, who insisted on not giving a statement and demanding that the investigative reporter "leave her property at once".

That lady being Mary Andrejek, mother of three.

After some extensive research, we were able to track down four of her siblings on Facebook. Her sister, Clare (Chicago resident) and her two brothers John and Tom (Joliet residents) all refused to comment, all-the-while looking pale and miserable.

We were lucking to find Alex Andrejek (Joliet), who works at a local Jimmy Johns across the street from Joliet Junior College. He seemed thrilled about the interview, mainly because he thought the article was about his failing Youtube Series, A.J. Unlimited, but was still happy to answer questions.

"Um, Yeah, I mean, like..." Alex muttered. "Well, I woke up this morning already running late for work. And when I got here, everything was normal. I was making sandwiches as usual for all of the JJC students that, well, wanted sandwiches." he claimed. "We were really busy, but I really needed to drink some water, because I was a little hungover. So I got a diet coke. I got back on the sandwich line, doing my thing, then all of a sudden it hit me. I had to, well, use the bathroom. Like, I had to take a dump."

"I thought it was just like a normal dump, because I took fiber the night before, which helps with pooing, you know... Not that I have a problem with that, pooing, I just like to get as much out. It makes me feel better. My Dad uses it, so I figured, why not?" He continued.

"So I go to the bathroom and do my business. Take my poo, but it was worse than I thought. Way worse. After about 20 minutes, I feel better and go back to making sandwiches. I told my boss that I wasnt feeling well and that 'I think that I need to puke'. I run to the bathroom and puke and poo some more. Finally, my boss said I could go home. I tried eating some left over pizza when I got home, because my stomach was empty, but that made me puke more and I ending up pooing some more as well." He insisted.

When asked about his contribution to the spread of the virus, he said "I highly doubt that I got anyone sick. Most of the time, I wear gloves when I make the sandwiches."

He continued on about the possible spread of the virus, saying "If anyone were to spread it, it would be my siblings. My sister works in a restaurant in Chicago, and my brothers work with customers, face-to-face, everyday. Its my nieces fault anyway. She got us all sick. She makes slime, so..." he said with fury.

Unfortunately, that is where I ended the interview. Im not sure where the slime plays a part, but we figured we got everything thing we needed from Alex's hour and a half interview.

As the virus spreads, we will keep our readers at React365 up to date with new and breaking news.

-Paula Mantino.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.