Niles man arrested for keistering children's candy
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
2059 56390 Shares
The Niles Police arrested Thomas Satterthwaite at 7:45pm Wednesday evening for chasing children at Walmart in Cortland and stealing their candy then doing the unthinkable.
One of the victims mothers recalled the horrific scene as a chocolate covered shit fest. She was shopping for lunchables and her daughter was seated safely in the buggy. She suddenly heard her daughter crying. As she looked to see what was wrong she gasped in horror. A young female, vaguely remembered as Amanda was shoving a pack of twizzlers up Thomas's rectum. After, the young lady continued with a snickers bar, a pack of hoho's, and individually wrapped mini Reese's cups. According to witnesses, Thomas's reaction to the chocolate filled anal excursion was very laxidasical.
A store security guard attempted to stop the incident but was knocked unconscious by a fury of punches from Thomas as he screamed "butt candy"!
Walmart associates contacted the Warren police department for assistance. Upon arrival, Thomas and Amanda quickly fled the scene. On their way out they continued to grab candy and shove it inside Thomas' ass. The couple escaped in a white Nissan coupe.
Niles Police intercepted them at the intersection of 422 and route 46 in Niles. Surrounded, the couple exited the vehicle at gunpoint. Thomas attempted to run but was quickly tasered by Capt. Villeco. As he was tased, candy burst out of his ass. He was taken to the Niles Police Dept. for booking and released on a $500 bail. He is expected to appear in court July 5, 2017.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
Most Popular
-
1
bigfoot sighting at jackson lake campground near oak hill ohio
Several eye witness reported seeing a large hairy animal of some kind near the Jackson lake campground. Local authorities are asking people to be cautious if you are planning on fishing near this area. One of the witnesses where able to snap a picture with their cell phone before the creature ran away near the Tommy Been rd area.
-
2
new york city woman loses her temper, causes black hole to swallow her entire town
Anna, 26, of New York City, DC was in the middle of an argument with a colleague when her temper got so out of control, it formed a small black hole, which demolished the vast majority of her neighborhood. "I just couldn't take it anymore, and unleashed my forces at the person who was irritating me. I had no idea the energy of my rage could cause such destruction," says Anna. Despite the ruination her anger has caused, Anna says she has no regrets. "I actually wish I knew I had this ability sooner!" Anna laughs. "There are a lot of people and things I could have eradicated from my life in this way."
-
3
whale spotted in illinois river
A humpback whale was spotted near Morris IL in the Illinois River today. The sighting comes just days after 2 Great White Sharks were seen frolicking in the same area. While not impossible, it does seem unlikely. It is thought that the whale may have followed the sharks as they sometimes do in the wild. The whale would of had to travel over 1250 miles to get to this location. The Marine Biologist Association will be in town for a full investigation. Until we have answers, we are asking folks to keep their pontoons and fishing boats docked.
-
4
two great white sharks found swimming in mississippi river near saint louis, missouri.
While it is not entirely impossible, it is incredibly uncommon for salt water dwelling creatures to stay for lengthy periods of time in fresh water. However, two Great White Sharks have managed to survive the trip and make their way up the Mississippi River somehow. Believed to have started as a mating couple, the two are assumed to have swam the 920 mile journey from the mouth of the Mississippi River that is connected to the Gulf Of Mexico. Officials in Saint Louis have contacted the Missouri Conservation Department and will likely have a team in the river soon to capture the two lost sharks.