Congress to begin hearings on extreme fitness practices; Pres. Obama signals support for bill banning popular P90X, CrossFit, boot camps
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
2059 64120 Shares
An election-year congress is set to open three days of hearings reviewing the safety, efficacy, and legality of so-called "extreme fitness" techniques.
"There is now a solid body of evidence that these bogus modalities are long on injury and short on effectiveness," stated Ben Halling (D-NY). "Not only do they inflict severe physical stress on participants, they promote an unhealthy competitiveness that is not conducive to sustainable, lifelong fitness."
Despite numerous studies showing both heightened risks of injury and questionable benefits as well as a growing consensus amongst exercise researchers that more conventional approaches to fitness such as yoga, Pilates, and tai chi show superior results, these unusual fitness regimens have recently exploded in popularity across the U.S.
CrossFit, for example, a mysterious, high-intensity program that has achieved a near cult-like following, has seen a 410 increase in gyms over the past five years. Clients undertake varying daily routines known as "workouts of the day" meant to induce fatigue, muscle confusion, and participant confusion.
"It's a recipe for disaster, really," claims Adam Baum, Dean of Human Physiology at the University of Northern California in San Francisco. "Unknowing citizens are literally dying for this supposedly elite fitness regime."
Bipartisan support in congress has lent itself to likely passage later in April. President Obama has affirmed strong support for such a ban, which would take effect June 31, immediately putting thousands of gyms out of business or forcing them to more standard approaches.
Predictably, not all are in favor of such a ban, and gym proprietors nationwide are gearing up for a protracted battle in courts.
"I'm over it," said Nijhma Noutfia-Brotton, co-owner of Axiom Fitness in Rancho Cucamonga, California. "What a joke."
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.
Most Popular
-
1
bigfoot sighting at jackson lake campground near oak hill ohio
Several eye witness reported seeing a large hairy animal of some kind near the Jackson lake campground. Local authorities are asking people to be cautious if you are planning on fishing near this area. One of the witnesses where able to snap a picture with their cell phone before the creature ran away near the Tommy Been rd area.
-
2
new york city woman loses her temper, causes black hole to swallow her entire town
Anna, 26, of New York City, DC was in the middle of an argument with a colleague when her temper got so out of control, it formed a small black hole, which demolished the vast majority of her neighborhood. "I just couldn't take it anymore, and unleashed my forces at the person who was irritating me. I had no idea the energy of my rage could cause such destruction," says Anna. Despite the ruination her anger has caused, Anna says she has no regrets. "I actually wish I knew I had this ability sooner!" Anna laughs. "There are a lot of people and things I could have eradicated from my life in this way."
-
3
whale spotted in illinois river
A humpback whale was spotted near Morris IL in the Illinois River today. The sighting comes just days after 2 Great White Sharks were seen frolicking in the same area. While not impossible, it does seem unlikely. It is thought that the whale may have followed the sharks as they sometimes do in the wild. The whale would of had to travel over 1250 miles to get to this location. The Marine Biologist Association will be in town for a full investigation. Until we have answers, we are asking folks to keep their pontoons and fishing boats docked.
-
4
two great white sharks found swimming in mississippi river near saint louis, missouri.
While it is not entirely impossible, it is incredibly uncommon for salt water dwelling creatures to stay for lengthy periods of time in fresh water. However, two Great White Sharks have managed to survive the trip and make their way up the Mississippi River somehow. Believed to have started as a mating couple, the two are assumed to have swam the 920 mile journey from the mouth of the Mississippi River that is connected to the Gulf Of Mexico. Officials in Saint Louis have contacted the Missouri Conservation Department and will likely have a team in the river soon to capture the two lost sharks.