Caterpillar Inc to Cease Support for Discontinued Equipment

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In a controversial move Sunday evening, Caterpillar Inc, the world's largest manufacturer of heavy duty equipment, announced that it plans to cease support for discontinued product lines such as equipment and engines.

Caterpillar is a global manufacturer of heavy duty equipment such as bulldozers, excavators, loaders, and skid steers. They are also well known for their diesel engines, which at one time were estimated to power 50 percent of the tractor trailers in the U.S., until they were forced out of the on-road power industry due to increasingly stringent EPA regulations.

Many companies in the U.S. have relied on Cat power for years to provide the equipment they need to get a job done whether it be excavating minerals from a mine or delivering goods to a store. We interviewed several small business owners involved in the grading, construction, and trucking industries to ask them why Caterpillar was such a prominent brand and we almost received a unanimous answer: all of our interviewees agreed that Caterpillar products are durable and the service and parts support is unmatched.

We began researching and discovered that Caterpillar salesmen often use a pitch to potential customers that Cat boasts an impressive claim to carry parts and service forever for any piece of equipment they manufacture, including some of their very first equipment. Of course this must be appealing to a business that is deciding how they can best invest their money into equipment. The move to discontinue parts and service for older equipment could indeed by detrimental to Caterpillar, especially since a significant portion of their reported income is accounted for in parts sales each year.

In the press release, newly appointed Caterpillar Inc. CEO, Jim Umpleby said,

"A lot of great things have happened at Caterpillar in recent years. We have continually improved our equipment to meet customer demands all while decreasing the environmental impact of our machinery. This country as a whole has made a lot of changes in the past few years and when I was appointed CEO I decided I was going to borrow a presidential candidates slogan and apply it to our company 'Make Caterpillar Great Again'. I feel that in order to 'Make Caterpillar Great Again', we need to make some serious changes within our company. First off, we need to address an increasingly common problem. Many of our older on-highway motors used to power semi-tractors are still on the highway even years or decades after being discontinued. This is a cause of concern for me because these motors are not up to par for current EPA regulations and one of my main goals for this company is to make the name 'Caterpillar' synonymous with green energy. Also, many of these older engines are being modified without Caterpillar authorization, which in turn creates more environmental impact than what they were designed for. Another point I would like to make regarding our planned cease of parts and service is that our current equipment and power system sales are becoming increasingly low. Bottom line is we need to up our new equipment sales, we can't afford to keep our factories open if we can't move the new products. I feel like a lot of these issues have arisen due to our engineers and factory labor for producing such high quality equipment and machinery that the customer does not wish to advance into modern times like the rest of us. This is why all those f*ckers that helped design or build any equipment in the past 40 years are terminated, effective immediately! Also, any person involved with developing any of the 3000 series engines will be served with a lawsuit for intentionally harming the environment for producing such dirty engines. As for the parts division of the company, we have also decided to terminate all of those employees. This will cut down on 5-10,000 jobs and save us millions each year and also create millions more for us by selling our new sh*t that will have to be replaced every other year! Like I said earlier 'Make Caterpillar Great Again!'"

Tell us how you feel, leave a comment below! P.S. If you believed any of this shit, jokes on you!

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.